Worst Advice The best advice Doktor Worst has to offer.


Difficult Decisions


I have 2 men interested in me and I cannot decide which to choose! One exhibits very few emotions but he says he loves me. He is cute, smart and talented.  The other is fun and kind of cute but he is excessive in everything, overweight and smelly, despite much grooming, and I am not physically attracted to him.  I like him as a person and don't want to be so shallow as to reject him for his body, but...

So who should I choose: the man I'm crazy about who drives me crazy or the one I'm luke-warm for but who suits my needy personality better?




Dear Stoic,
What you have here is actually quite a fortuitous situation that you would be foolish to not capitalize on to the maximum! In your mind, go back and think about all the times in the last three years you've found out that there was someone interested in you. Then, think about how many general interactions you've had with people in those three years. Unless you're a prostitute, you'll find that the ratio of people interested in you to the number of people you interact with on a daily basis is incredibly high. Don't miss out on this. I'm about to give you information that will literally change your life and you'll worship the very ground I tread upon once it sinks in.

It's very simple; you're asking the wrong question. You should be asking yourself how you can have both of them without screwing it up until you're ready. I know what you're thinking: "Great heavens above! He's brilliant!" Yes, I know. But calm down, I haven't explained my reasoning. You're only confused here because the bad things about these guys aren't bad enough to completely write them off. This is rare (I won't get in to why, just know that I'd never intentionally lead you astray). Monogamy is an ideal from the far distant past, it would be immoral to choose between them; leave that to the ancients! And, since you're already beating the odds with having captured two men's attention at once, you should invite them both to the same dinner. That way when they both show up, you can start your three-way consensual love-triangle of bliss.

Good luck to you, Stoic. Let me know how it works out in the end! I'm sure you'll be quite happy.
- Doktor Worst

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Sexism in leadership


Dear Doktor Worst,

I am top of my class in Advanced Mathematics, and I'm also the only girl in the class (go figure) We have just recently been given a complicated mathematic equation to solve, and I have been given the position of team captain. Except the problem is that none of the boys respect the fact that me, a girl is in charge. They won't listen to me and the equation needs to be solved in 2 days. How do I get them to respect me as leader.

Thanks, Robin



The problem is that you are too wrapped up in the math problem to see the obvious solution to your human problem. The guys are most likely not being fed right, being college students. The discord and disorganization within the group is definitely attributable to hunger. You see, men like to eat as they solve problems. We are natural problem solvers. What you need to do is make a nice tray of sandwiches. The next part is crucial. If the sandwich tray starts to get low, get in the kitchen and make more sandwiches. Of course it doesn't have to be sandwiches, but I would stay away from fast food or junk food. Fresh food generally is better for cognitive functions and they will appreciate the work you now contribute to the group.

Once the men are sufficiently fed, a natural order of leadership will form allowing work to start flowing well. The natural leader will bring the others into a cohesive group and you will just need to make sure that refreshments are constantly available. I’m not quite sure why a professor would not have taken this into account already, but such is life. Keep the food and drink flowing and the men will take care of the real work.

Enjoy your math party!

-Doktor Worst



Android or Iphone



I need help, I'm in the market for a new phone and I'm having trouble picking out a new phone, can you help me decide between an Android phone or an iPhone? Maybe cons and pros for both?


Steve Jobs



I am not quite sure I know what an Iphone or Android are, but I think I have an idea. I'm not sure most people will be able to afford such things, but if you can, here is my breakdown:

The Iphone seems like it would be a frivolous acquisition since the surgery to have it put in would have to be extensive. But it would be cool to be like the 6 Million Dollar Man! It may be worth it if it did more than just receive calls, like have a laser or telescopic vision. I would imagine that your natural eye would have to come out, though. That and I don't know how it could get the sound to where you could hear it. All in all, it just seems impractical to me.

Now this Android thing seems like it would be more practical. I saw a movie back in the late 70s that featured Androids. They seem like they could be dead useful. The main character of the movie had two androids that always followed him around. One looked like a golden man and the other looked more like a trash can. I don't know if you've seen the movie. It is called Space Wars or Star Fights or Star Wars or something like that. There were more movies about them, but I never got THAT interested in it. So an android could be useful, I guess, but it would seem to me that it would be a bit cumbersome to take it with you all over the place.

If you want something practical, then there are these new-fangled things out called Cellular Telephones. They can even mount them in your car so you don't misplace it! Imagine having a phone not even tied to use within your HOUSE! That's what these are. I'm told you can use these just about anywhere and they can call all the normal phones just like my house phone does. Those other devices might be "cool" and "hip", but these cellular phone things seem like the right way to go to me.

Let me know how it goes.

-Doktor Worst

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Dear Doctor,

I recently moved into a new condo with 3 other roommates. One of them keeps having his lady friend come over and spend the night. Since we share a wall, there are often animal like noises that come from his side of the wall. I was wondering what the best way to deal with this situation would be. Also, should his lady friend pay a portion of the rent for her 'sleep overs', since they are quite frequent?

Thank you




While I appreciate your question, I feel I must be adamant in reinforcing that I am not, in fact, an accredited doctor. My name is Doktor. Is this hard to understand? If your name was something like (and I'm pulling this out of the air here, mind you) Kash, would you like someone to address you as Cash? Would you in fact be money to be used to buy goods and services?

Well, I don't know you K, and you might use your body as currency to buy goods and services, but the name point remains the same. This is what got me in trouble in that one state with laws against "pretending to be a medical professional." You people just don't get how important this is that I not be addressed as "Doctor." I HELP people while those kooks just charge you money! And I can't do that if I am behind bars, now can I?

In summary, you should be more careful about addressing people. Oh, and your friend wants you to join them. Don't knock on the door, just go in and have fun.



My Best-friend’s Sister



Long-time reader, first-time submitter. I absolutely love the advice you give here and I could definitely use some right now as I have found myself in a conundrum doldrum! You see, my best friend has this sister. She's really cool and I would really like to see about maybe dating her. But I'm worried my best friend might hate me for it. What if it doesn't work out with her? Will it strain my relationship with my friend? How do I know what the boundaries are? Should there be boundaries?

Help me, doc!

- Walter



It has always been my belief that any group situation must have a definitive "Alpha" role holder. Obviously this cannot be the sister, she is by definition a girl and we all know that girls are physically incapable of taking a leadership role. So you now need to create the situation which will set the boundaries of the relationship and transfer male ownership of the girl.

First thing you will do is tell your female (this is part is important because it lets her know that you are taking the reins) that she will be cooking a dinner for you and your friend. If this is the first time she has cooked you anything, it will also be a critical point in deciding that you actually want to have her as this is a vary important part of any future relationship, after all.

Next you need to invite your friend to her place for dinner. Do this even if they live together (i.e. both still live with their parents). This will introduce the idea that you are taking a good dominant position while letting your friend know that you intend to handle the upcoming transition with courtesy and grace. Your friend will realize that you will be a good suitor for his sister.

At dinner sit with your friend at the table and make sure your female serves you in proper manner. Coach her whenever a faux pas has been committed as this will signal that you are interested in her good development as a proper woman. Once you have finished with the dinner thank the woman with a commanding, possessive kiss and a swat on the backside to set her to the now pressing task of cleaning up the kitchen. Make sure you do this while your friend is still sitting in full view so that he knows that the burden of possession of a sister is finally over and he can be relieved of her care to you.

Following this guide will ensure a transfer the will leave your friend with the comforting knowledge that the girl will be handled properly.

Remember that any failures of the relationship will most likely be her fault, therefore absolving you of any worry that your friend could blame you. As we have established, she is a girl. And as for straining your relationship with your friend, I really don't see how any female could cause something like this. While it is true that he is responsible for her at the moment, the proper transfer of "ownership" takes care of that.

-Doktor Worst

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