Crush at Work

Q:

Yo Worst,

I have a severe crush on a girl I work with. We've gone out a few times, but I'm pretty positive she has no clue how I feel. I want to express my feelings, but I'm concerned she won't feel the same way and if she does, she might be leery of hooking up because we work together. What do I do?

A:

Greetings Billy,

Since you have already been in a few social situations with this girl, you probably have a general idea of what she likes. This is some knowledge that you can use. It is best to do a little reconnaissance for more detailed information, though. The little bit of information you have will be useful to get MORE information. You know some places she like to go, but you don't know where she lives? Simply pick up on her trail and follow her home sometime. Once you know where she lives, start a short fact-finding mission. I was once told by some nice officers of the law that technically you aren't doing anything wrong when you are on the public street and looking into an open window (he then said something about watching me close, so I think he was REALLY impressed with my idea and wanted to get pointers). After a couple days, or months, of this, you will be getting some valuable information of what she REALLY likes.

Now that you have a good feel for her routine and likes, you can start really engaging her. You can begin by leaving her anonymous gifts with notes from her "secret admirer". Start off with some of her favorite snack that she watches her favorite show with and a note like:

Saw that you enjoy watching [name of show] with this [name of snack]. Hope you enjoy it this [next day it is on]!

-Your Secret Admirer

Make this the first of a series of gifts. Make sure she knows how well you know her by leaving these gifts in places that are increasingly more private to her and with gifts that are even more personally connected to her. This way, when you finally arrange a meeting, she will know she can be comfortable with you. Make sure you keep your identity a tightly concealed, romantic secret.

During this secret courting period, many women seem to try to make you jealous by acting close to other men. Since you are so familiar with her, you will be able to tell who these guys may be. This is just a ploy and it is unfair to these other guys, right? Let them know (discreetly of course) that the two of you are already properly courting. This is only fair warning and will serve to keep the other guy from getting unfairly hurt when she realizes your mutual love. You may have to be firm, but this is all part of the process.

At this point you will be able to setup a meeting and move towards a comfortable relationship. It is as easy as pie.

-Doktor Worst