Looking for Work

Q:

I have found myself unemployed in one of the most inhospitable economic climates EVER. It has been quite some time since I last had to draw up a resume and I worry that I have lost the touch on creating a great introduction to a prospective employer. I still know that a resume could be the difference between a call and silence as it is the proverbial "foot in the door". The trouble is that I am not sure I know what contemporary employers are looking for in a resume. Can you help me out, Worst?

-Anonymous

A:

Well, this is easy! First, you want to lead off your resume with a picture. You know the old saying that a picture is worth a thousand words? Well this will tell them so much about you. Right under the picture, be sure to list your age, weight and sexual preference. That is the beginning of a winning resume!

After this information, you may want to flesh out your personality so that they will know that you have the same ideals as them. What better way to than to find common ground on things you don't like? Who likes Hitler? Nobody. Who likes a fishy smell permeating a kitchen area? Not me, I tell you. And how about these filthy children that keep popping up out of nowhere?!? These "mother" people keep saying that they are "precious" and "cute", but poppy-cock I say to that! No one like these mongrels running underfoot. List all the things that made you upset at your last job. Did you make sandwiches at Burger King? Tell them how hard it is to handle rude customers that climb on counters and try to fight you.

There are a tone of ways to spice up that old resume. Just remember, this is your chance to let them know who you are and stand out in the crowd. Put more stuff in. Is it becoming the size of a decent magazine? Too small. This is YOUR auto-biography and they should know you enough to hire you without an interview after the week it takes to read it.

Hope that helps, whoever you are.

-Doktor Worst