Sexism in leadership
Q:
Dear Doktor Worst,
I am top of my class in Advanced Mathematics, and I'm also the only girl in the class (go figure) We have just recently been given a complicated mathematic equation to solve, and I have been given the position of team captain. Except the problem is that none of the boys respect the fact that me, a girl is in charge. They won't listen to me and the equation needs to be solved in 2 days. How do I get them to respect me as leader.
Thanks, Robin
A:
Robin,
The problem is that you are too wrapped up in the math problem to see the obvious solution to your human problem. The guys are most likely not being fed right, being college students. The discord and disorganization within the group is definitely attributable to hunger. You see, men like to eat as they solve problems. We are natural problem solvers. What you need to do is make a nice tray of sandwiches. The next part is crucial. If the sandwich tray starts to get low, get in the kitchen and make more sandwiches. Of course it doesn't have to be sandwiches, but I would stay away from fast food or junk food. Fresh food generally is better for cognitive functions and they will appreciate the work you now contribute to the group.
Once the men are sufficiently fed, a natural order of leadership will form allowing work to start flowing well. The natural leader will bring the others into a cohesive group and you will just need to make sure that refreshments are constantly available. I’m not quite sure why a professor would not have taken this into account already, but such is life. Keep the food and drink flowing and the men will take care of the real work.
Enjoy your math party!
-Doktor Worst
Rooming
Q:
Dear Doctor,
I recently moved into a new condo with 3 other roommates. One of them keeps having his lady friend come over and spend the night. Since we share a wall, there are often animal like noises that come from his side of the wall. I was wondering what the best way to deal with this situation would be. Also, should his lady friend pay a portion of the rent for her 'sleep overs', since they are quite frequent?
Thank you
-K
A:
K,
While I appreciate your question, I feel I must be adamant in reinforcing that I am not, in fact, an accredited doctor. My name is Doktor. Is this hard to understand? If your name was something like (and I'm pulling this out of the air here, mind you) Kash, would you like someone to address you as Cash? Would you in fact be money to be used to buy goods and services?
Well, I don't know you K, and you might use your body as currency to buy goods and services, but the name point remains the same. This is what got me in trouble in that one state with laws against "pretending to be a medical professional." You people just don't get how important this is that I not be addressed as "Doctor." I HELP people while those kooks just charge you money! And I can't do that if I am behind bars, now can I?
In summary, you should be more careful about addressing people. Oh, and your friend wants you to join them. Don't knock on the door, just go in and have fun.
-DOKTOR Worst
My Best-friend’s Sister
Q:
Doktor,
Long-time reader, first-time submitter. I absolutely love the advice you give here and I could definitely use some right now as I have found myself in a conundrum doldrum! You see, my best friend has this sister. She's really cool and I would really like to see about maybe dating her. But I'm worried my best friend might hate me for it. What if it doesn't work out with her? Will it strain my relationship with my friend? How do I know what the boundaries are? Should there be boundaries?
Help me, doc!
- Walter
A:
Walter,
It has always been my belief that any group situation must have a definitive "Alpha" role holder. Obviously this cannot be the sister, she is by definition a girl and we all know that girls are physically incapable of taking a leadership role. So you now need to create the situation which will set the boundaries of the relationship and transfer male ownership of the girl.
First thing you will do is tell your female (this is part is important because it lets her know that you are taking the reins) that she will be cooking a dinner for you and your friend. If this is the first time she has cooked you anything, it will also be a critical point in deciding that you actually want to have her as this is a vary important part of any future relationship, after all.
Next you need to invite your friend to her place for dinner. Do this even if they live together (i.e. both still live with their parents). This will introduce the idea that you are taking a good dominant position while letting your friend know that you intend to handle the upcoming transition with courtesy and grace. Your friend will realize that you will be a good suitor for his sister.
At dinner sit with your friend at the table and make sure your female serves you in proper manner. Coach her whenever a faux pas has been committed as this will signal that you are interested in her good development as a proper woman. Once you have finished with the dinner thank the woman with a commanding, possessive kiss and a swat on the backside to set her to the now pressing task of cleaning up the kitchen. Make sure you do this while your friend is still sitting in full view so that he knows that the burden of possession of a sister is finally over and he can be relieved of her care to you.
Following this guide will ensure a transfer the will leave your friend with the comforting knowledge that the girl will be handled properly.
Remember that any failures of the relationship will most likely be her fault, therefore absolving you of any worry that your friend could blame you. As we have established, she is a girl. And as for straining your relationship with your friend, I really don't see how any female could cause something like this. While it is true that he is responsible for her at the moment, the proper transfer of "ownership" takes care of that.
-Doktor Worst
Origins
Q:
Doktor,
I was adopted as a young child, but I was young enough that I don't remember my biological parents. For some reason my adoptive parents chose to keep my last name from my birth, which is Johnson. I know it is English, but do you know anymore about my last name?
Thank you,
-Emilie
A:
Emilie,
Your adoptive parents are liars and you should not trust them ever again.
But that is a whole other subject. You have a very good handle on the basis of your name in that you are completely and hopelessly wrong regarding anything about it.
The name Johnson is actually a very old South American name that only closely resembles the common Germanic Johansson. The name hails from the Aztecs and tends to mean "she who is being raised to be consumed by one or more god(s)", although the alternate accepted meaning is "she who will be given to many at once". The fact that you actually believed that it had roots in English sources is laughable, but then again your obvious ancestors tried to fight the Spanish and their guns with hand-thrown spears.
I hope you get to enjoy your inevitable sacrifice,
-Doktor Worst
Nosy Neighbor
Q:
(From Ann Landers advice column)
Dear Ann Landers: I am a neighbor who is aware of the following situation: A 12-year-old seventh-grade girl has started to enjoy the attention of a boy in her class. At first, they had hour-long talks on the phone. After a few weeks, her parents began to treat him as if he were one of her girlfriends. He is invited to spend Friday or Saturday night with them. The bedroom he stays in is next to hers. Her parents' bedroom is on the other side of the house.
Her parents did not know this boy or his family until this relationship started a few weeks ago. Any advice? — Concerned Friend, No City, No State
A1:
(From Ann Landers)
The advice is for you: MYOB.
A:
Concerned Friend,
Look, I don't know why Ann Landers thinks she is so high and mighty. Those kids should be helped! Being forced to sleep in separate rooms?! How outrageous! These are healthy young people who should have their privacy and know what to do with it (thanks to our wonderful public schools). You should be calling the police or the Children and Family Services for such an appalling breach of these minors' privacy. This is the time that young people are discovering their bodies and they need a good friend to do it with.
In fact, if you know of a few other girls of that age in the neighborhood, you should set it up to where they can spend the night there as well.
Enjoy your weekends,
-Doktor Worst