Difficult Decisions
Q:
I have 2 men interested in me and I cannot decide which to choose! One exhibits very few emotions but he says he loves me. He is cute, smart and talented. The other is fun and kind of cute but he is excessive in everything, overweight and smelly, despite much grooming, and I am not physically attracted to him. I like him as a person and don't want to be so shallow as to reject him for his body, but...
So who should I choose: the man I'm crazy about who drives me crazy or the one I'm luke-warm for but who suits my needy personality better?
Thanks,
Stoic
A:
Dear Stoic,
What you have here is actually quite a fortuitous situation that you would be foolish to not capitalize on to the maximum! In your mind, go back and think about all the times in the last three years you've found out that there was someone interested in you. Then, think about how many general interactions you've had with people in those three years. Unless you're a prostitute, you'll find that the ratio of people interested in you to the number of people you interact with on a daily basis is incredibly high. Don't miss out on this. I'm about to give you information that will literally change your life and you'll worship the very ground I tread upon once it sinks in.
It's very simple; you're asking the wrong question. You should be asking yourself how you can have both of them without screwing it up until you're ready. I know what you're thinking: "Great heavens above! He's brilliant!" Yes, I know. But calm down, I haven't explained my reasoning. You're only confused here because the bad things about these guys aren't bad enough to completely write them off. This is rare (I won't get in to why, just know that I'd never intentionally lead you astray). Monogamy is an ideal from the far distant past, it would be immoral to choose between them; leave that to the ancients! And, since you're already beating the odds with having captured two men's attention at once, you should invite them both to the same dinner. That way when they both show up, you can start your three-way consensual love-triangle of bliss.
Good luck to you, Stoic. Let me know how it works out in the end! I'm sure you'll be quite happy.
- Doktor Worst
Trick-or-Treat(-or-Broken Hip) Part 3
This is in response to the posting of Trick-or-Treat(-or-Broken Hip) Part 2 (which itself was a response to the first posting of Trick-or-Treat(-or-Broken Hip)).
Q:
Doktor Worst,
My teenage granddaughter is going trick-or-treating this year and it has looked so much fun in years past. I was never able to go trick-or-treating when I was a child and I would like to see what it is like. Should I go trick-or-treating with my granddaughter? She hasn't asked me to go, but I sure would like to.
-Dorothy from Kansas
A:
Dorothy,
You really should submit your questions earlier. Halloween is over, dear.
-Doktor Worst
Trick-or-Treat(-or-Broken Hip) Part 2
This is in response to the first posting of Trick-or-Treat(-or-Broken Hip)
Q:
Doktor Worst,
My teenage granddaughter is going trick-or-treating this year and it has looked so much fun in years past. I was never able to go trick-or-treating when I was a child and I would like to see what it is like. Should I go trick-or-treating with my granddaughter? She hasn't asked me to go, but I sure would like to.
-Dorothy from Kansas
A:
Dorothy,
Unfortunately the first time we posted your terribly unfortunate issue, I had to pass on answering your question due to a holiday of some sort. At least that's what I said. Even more unfortunate is that i was unable to give you advise the following day as I had given my word to do.
Today is different. Not in being able to answer you, though. You see, today is the day of the birth of Martin Luther. Not Martin Luther King Jr., but Martin Luther the protester. Or was it protestant? I don't know what he was.
The point is that he was born today (like 100 years ago or something) and therefore I can't answer your question. It would take much too long to sit here and type up a response to whatever it was that you were trying to ask me that I would forget that it was Martin Lawrence's birthday. If I were to have typed out a single paragraph to even have given a pittance of a response to your perceived problem, then it would be a detraction from the well deserved attention to Marice's big day.
Now, I've got to go find some cake plates.
-Doktor Worst
Trick-or-Treat(-or-Broken Hip)
Q:
Doktor Worst,
My teenage granddaughter is going trick-or-treating this year and it has looked so much fun in years past. I was never able to go trick-or-treating when I was a child and I would like to see what it is like. Should I go trick-or-treating with my granddaughter? She hasn't asked me to go, but I sure would like to.
-Dorothy from Kansas
A:
Dorothy,
Unfortunately, I am unable to answer this question. Why? Because today marks a most glorious day in the observation of Independence Day (in Turkmenistan).
You see, on this day in history, Turkmenistan was freed of the oppressive yolk of the Soviet Union.
I know that you value my opinion on your issue, so I guarantee that I will address your problem, whatever it is, tomorrow. As for today, I must not touch technology so that I can show proper reverence for the sovereign nation of whatever country I mentioned earlier.
Enjoy your Turkmenstireshireton Independence Day!
-Doktor Worst
WORMS In My Apartment
Q:
[From Yahoo! Answers]
Over the past few weeks I have been seeing worms (mostly white 2 red) crawling all over my apartment,
on the ceiling floor etc. They only show up a maximum of 2 at a time.
THE Apartment is clean. I take the trash out every day. And I don't leave foodstuff lying around. So I have no Idea where these worms are coming from. Only thing is I have some old wooden furniture, that's quite soft and well .. old.
I bought some insectde spray and did the entire apartment with that, but they still keep showing up days after!!!
What the hell is going on? Can someone advise me here?
Thanks
Lucien
A:
Dear Lucien,
Next time you need advice, you should just come here first!
The solution to your problem is simple: buy some chickens.
The chickens will eat the worms and you get some interesting pets.
Enjoy!
-Doktor Worst