I have 2 men interested in me and I cannot decide which to choose! One exhibits very few emotions but he says he loves me. He is cute, smart and talented.  The other is fun and kind of cute but he is excessive in everything, overweight and smelly, despite much grooming, and I am not physically attracted to him.  I like him as a person and don't want to be so shallow as to reject him for his body, but...

Thanks,

Stoic

A:

Dear Doktor Worst,

I am top of my class in Advanced Mathematics, and I'm also the only girl in the class (go figure) We have just recently been given a complicated mathematic equation to solve, and I have been given the position of team captain. Except the problem is that none of the boys respect the fact that me, a girl is in charge. They won't listen to me and the equation needs to be solved in 2 days. How do I get them to respect me as leader.

Thanks, Robin

A:

Doktor,

I need help, I'm in the market for a new phone and I'm having trouble picking out a new phone, can you help me decide between an Android phone or an iPhone? Maybe cons and pros for both?

Thanks,

Steve Jobs

A:

Steve,

I am not quite sure I know what an Iphone or Android are, but I think I have an idea. I'm not sure most people will be able to afford such things, but if you can, here is my breakdown:

The Iphone seems like it would be a frivolous acquisition since the surgery to have it put in would have to be extensive. But it would be cool to be like the 6 Million Dollar Man! It may be worth it if it did more than just receive calls, like have a laser or telescopic vision. I would imagine that your natural eye would have to come out, though. That and I don't know how it could get the sound to where you could hear it. All in all, it just seems impractical to me.

Now this Android thing seems like it would be more practical. I saw a movie back in the late 70s that featured Androids. They seem like they could be dead useful. The main character of the movie had two androids that always followed him around. One looked like a golden man and the other looked more like a trash can. I don't know if you've seen the movie. It is called Space Wars or Star Fights or Star Wars or something like that. There were more movies about them, but I never got THAT interested in it. So an android could be useful, I guess, but it would seem to me that it would be a bit cumbersome to take it with you all over the place.

If you want something practical, then there are these new-fangled things out called Cellular Telephones. They can even mount them in your car so you don't misplace it! Imagine having a phone not even tied to use within your HOUSE! That's what these are. I'm told you can use these just about anywhere and they can call all the normal phones just like my house phone does. Those other devices might be "cool" and "hip", but these cellular phone things seem like the right way to go to me.

Let me know how it goes.

-Doktor Worst

Dear Doctor,

I recently moved into a new condo with 3 other roommates. One of them keeps having his lady friend come over and spend the night. Since we share a wall, there are often animal like noises that come from his side of the wall. I was wondering what the best way to deal with this situation would be. Also, should his lady friend pay a portion of the rent for her 'sleep overs', since they are quite frequent?

A:

K,

While I appreciate your question, I feel I must be adamant in reinforcing that I am not, in fact, an accredited doctor. My name is Doktor. Is this hard to understand? If your name was something like (and I'm pulling this out of the air here, mind you) Kash, would you like someone to address you as Cash? Would you in fact be money to be used to buy goods and services?

Well, I don't know you K, and you might use your body as currency to buy goods and services, but the name point remains the same. This is what got me in trouble in that one state with laws against "pretending to be a medical professional." You people just don't get how important this is that I not be addressed as "Doctor." I HELP people while those kooks just charge you money! And I can't do that if I am behind bars, now can I?

In summary, you should be more careful about addressing people. Oh, and your friend wants you to join them. Don't knock on the door, just go in and have fun.

-DOKTOR Worst

Doktor,

Long-time reader, first-time submitter. I absolutely love the advice you give here and I could definitely use some right now as I have found myself in a conundrum doldrum! You see, my best friend has this sister. She's really cool and I would really like to see about maybe dating her. But I'm worried my best friend might hate me for it. What if it doesn't work out with her? Will it strain my relationship with my friend? How do I know what the boundaries are? Should there be boundaries?

Help me, doc!

- Walter

A:

Walter,

It has always been my belief that any group situation must have a definitive "Alpha" role holder. Obviously this cannot be the sister, she is by definition a girl and we all know that girls are physically incapable of taking a leadership role. So you now need to create the situation which will set the boundaries of the relationship and transfer male ownership of the girl.

First thing you will do is tell your female (this is part is important because it lets her know that you are taking the reins) that she will be cooking a dinner for you and your friend. If this is the first time she has cooked you anything, it will also be a critical point in deciding that you actually want to have her as this is a vary important part of any future relationship, after all.

Next you need to invite your friend to her place for dinner. Do this even if they live together (i.e. both still live with their parents). This will introduce the idea that you are taking a good dominant position while letting your friend know that you intend to handle the upcoming transition with courtesy and grace. Your friend will realize that you will be a good suitor for his sister.

At dinner sit with your friend at the table and make sure your female serves you in proper manner. Coach her whenever a faux pas has been committed as this will signal that you are interested in her good development as a proper woman. Once you have finished with the dinner thank the woman with a commanding, possessive kiss and a swat on the backside to set her to the now pressing task of cleaning up the kitchen. Make sure you do this while your friend is still sitting in full view so that he knows that the burden of possession of a sister is finally over and he can be relieved of her care to you.

Following this guide will ensure a transfer the will leave your friend with the comforting knowledge that the girl will be handled properly.

Remember that any failures of the relationship will most likely be her fault, therefore absolving you of any worry that your friend could blame you. As we have established, she is a girl. And as for straining your relationship with your friend, I really don't see how any female could cause something like this. While it is true that he is responsible for her at the moment, the proper transfer of "ownership" takes care of that.

-Doktor Worst

I have found myself unemployed in one of the most inhospitable economic climates EVER. It has been quite some time since I last had to draw up a resume and I worry that I have lost the touch on creating a great introduction to a prospective employer. I still know that a resume could be the difference between a call and silence as it is the proverbial "foot in the door". The trouble is that I am not sure I know what contemporary employers are looking for in a resume. Can you help me out, Worst?

-Anonymous

A:

Well, this is easy! First, you want to lead off your resume with a picture. You know the old saying that a picture is worth a thousand words? Well this will tell them so much about you. Right under the picture, be sure to list your age, weight and sexual preference. That is the beginning of a winning resume!

After this information, you may want to flesh out your personality so that they will know that you have the same ideals as them. What better way to than to find common ground on things you don't like? Who likes Hitler? Nobody. Who likes a fishy smell permeating a kitchen area? Not me, I tell you. And how about these filthy children that keep popping up out of nowhere?!? These "mother" people keep saying that they are "precious" and "cute", but poppy-cock I say to that! No one like these mongrels running underfoot. List all the things that made you upset at your last job. Did you make sandwiches at Burger King? Tell them how hard it is to handle rude customers that climb on counters and try to fight you.

There are a tone of ways to spice up that old resume. Just remember, this is your chance to let them know who you are and stand out in the crowd. Put more stuff in. Is it becoming the size of a decent magazine? Too small. This is YOUR auto-biography and they should know you enough to hire you without an interview after the week it takes to read it.

Hope that helps, whoever you are.

-Doktor Worst

Q:

Doktor Worst,

My teenage granddaughter is going trick-or-treating this year and it has looked so much fun in years past. I was never able to go trick-or-treating when I was a child and I would like to see what it is like. Should I go trick-or-treating with my granddaughter? She hasn't asked me to go, but I sure would like to.

-Dorothy from Kansas

A:

Dorothy,

You really should submit your questions earlier. Halloween is over, dear.

-Doktor Worst

Doktor Worst,

I got taken in by some new friends recently but I have a bad habit that they don't appreciate. You see, when I was young and being forced to work in a Lebanon restaurant, I started smoking (it seemed to be the thing to do at the time). Since then, I have been living a pretty easy life where I was pretty much cared for, but i have been able to maintain my habit by smoking whenever I could get my hands on a cigarette. My new friends say that they are going to take even better care of me, but I fear that they are going to try to force me to quit smoking. They say it is not my fault that I started and that I should not have been introduced to such a nasty thing because I am so special. I want my new friends to be happy, so how can I quit smoking?

-Omega, Lebanon

A:

Omega,

You should be true to yourself. While I do not personally enjoy cigarettes, I have many friends who do and I respect that as their personal choice to enjoy. The point is that life is short so smoke 'em if you've got 'em. Besides which, the world is obviously ending in 2012 since the Aztec calendar ends then. No reason to be miserable in the short time we all have left.

-Doktor Worst

Q:

Doktor Worst,

My teenage granddaughter is going trick-or-treating this year and it has looked so much fun in years past. I was never able to go trick-or-treating when I was a child and I would like to see what it is like. Should I go trick-or-treating with my granddaughter? She hasn't asked me to go, but I sure would like to.

-Dorothy from Kansas

A:

Dorothy,

Unfortunately the first time we posted your terribly unfortunate issue, I had to pass on answering your question due to a holiday of some sort. At least that's what I said. Even more unfortunate is that i was unable to give you advise the following day as I had given my word to do.

Today is different. Not in being able to answer you, though. You see, today is the day of the birth of Martin Luther. Not Martin Luther King Jr., but Martin Luther the protester. Or was it protestant? I don't know what he was.

The point is that he was born today (like 100 years ago or something) and therefore I can't answer your question. It would take much too long to sit here and type up a response to whatever it was that you were trying to ask me that I would forget that it was Martin Lawrence's birthday. If I were to have typed out a single paragraph to even have given a pittance of a response to your perceived problem, then it would be a detraction from the well deserved attention to Marice's big day.

Now, I've got to go find some cake plates.

-Doktor Worst

This question's subject matter is such that it may offend some sensitive readers.

Doktor Worst,

I have super sperm. I have been going out with my current girlfriend for 4 weeks. She assures me that I am the only one she has ever had sex with. The trouble is that she is four months pregnant. My family all tells me that she is a lying tramp, but she would never do something like that to me. Why is my sperm so potent?

-Billy Bob, Arkansas

A:

Billy Bob,

Your upcoming new arrival probably has Progeria. It means that your sperm is not super, but more likely they are damaged. Good thing is that it is not hereditary. Plus, if you stop using the microwave to cook all of your meals while you hump it in anticipation of your delectable Hungry Man meal, you may even be able to shoot off some normal soldiers (if you are interested in having more kids, that is). Even though you have only been dating this girl for about a month, I can tell that you two are going to make it for the long run. Just ignore what everyone else says. Any "proof" they bring you of these alleged infidelities are going to be obvious forgeries. Just stand by your woman and take good care of the new baby. It will be a precious little human that will look 40 years old at the age of 10.

Enjoy the Bundle of joy!

-Doktor Worst

Doktor Worst,

I was just called by my child's school to be informed that he is in danger of getting suspended from school for his behavior. This vexes me for a couple of reasons. First (and obvious) is that I am a busy person with a job and household to maintain and now I may have to find a way to care for my child during the day while I should be working. More vexing is that I never have any "behavior issues" with him at home. He is very easy to calm down- just give him what he wants and he chills out. I hate to be one of those strict parents who always yell at their kids (like my parents did) and prefer to be more of a friend to him. If I didn't have my little sweety puff, I don't know what I'd do, but I need to be able to work. Why can't the stupid people at his school just give him whatever it is he wants so he will quite down? How can I keep him from getting suspended from school?

-Liane in Colorado

A:

Liane,

My following advice is in honor of National Parents as Teachers Day (as celebrated on November 8th this year).

It is simple. The school your child is going to obviously just doesn't understand his special unique needs. In fact, it is quite possible that no school truly will. Therefore, pull your sweet little boy out of that harmful environment before they have a chance to suspend him and damage his fragile psyche. Instead of having him continue to go to the damaging institutional school as he is now, have him go to school in his own room! This will give you a chance to meet all of his needs exactly as they should be met. After all, you don't  have anything better to do, did you? Now you can be your child's friend all day!

Enjoy your new best friend,

-Doktor Worst

(From Yahoo! Answers)

Is sin 60º twice as great as sin 30º?

-Ally in Washington

A:

Ally,

No matter how many times you sin, you have done wrong. There is even a saying about doing multiple wrongs is not good (or something). It would be best to just not sin.

However, if you have already killed someone over a Klondike Bar, you may still be redeemed. After all, there is no limit on what you would do for a Klondike Bar.

-Doktor Worst

Dear Doktor Worst,

My infant has just started crawling is now having fun starting to get into things. The other day, my mom stopped by the house and started freaking out because she didn't think that I had "child-proofed" my house enough. What child-proofing do you recommend for crawlers and toddlers?

-Hava in Harrison

A:

Hava,

What is child-proofing?

Did they have child-proofing in the Middle Ages with the Black Plague?

Did they have child-proofing in the 1700's when they were founding the USA?

Did they have child-proofing in the old weest with all the guns and cougars?

The answer to all these questions is a resounding "No". This just goes to show that this "Child-Proofing " is just a money absorbing industry. If you weren't spending all of that money on "Child-Proofing", maybe you could afford to put cushions on sharp table edges, outlet covers on outlets, and cabinet locks. After all you don't want your child getting hurt, do you? I say down with child-proofing and support making your house safe for your child.

Enjoy your young one.

-Doktor Worst

Doktor Worst.

Several of my friends were telling me about the great advice that you give when I tried to tell them about my problem the other day, so I guess you are the guy to ask about things. I have a problem at work. My boss makes me come in an hour early for work during which time I am not allowed to clock in. Then on my thirty minute lunch break, I am told to eat from the snack machine while I continue to work. Again, I am off the clock during this time. I work an "eight hour" shift but then I have to work an extra hour to "hand off to the next shift". We don't even have multiple shifts, it is just me at a desk taking calls. You may have guessed that I am off the clock for that last hour, too. You would have guessed correctly.

I tried to report this to my boss's boss (the CEO), but all HE did was laugh in my face and make a remark about how I look girl-y. He said I should be thankful that I am making waiters pay (which is half of minimum wage, by the way) even though we aren't a restaurant. He also said that I really shouldn't be complaining because I make up the off clock times with my lunch, but i don't see how that is the case. It seems like I am working ten and a half hours for four hours worth of pay. What can I do about this?

-Mark in Lower Alabama

A:

Mark,

It really annoys me when a guy has a good job and all he can do is complain like a girl. We have this kid (who is also named Mark) at our complaint desk who came to me the other day crying about how he is treated "unfairly" or something by his slave-driver (a.k.a. manager, but it is much better for moral to have neat nicknames). He didn't seem to understand (like you) how expensive it is to run a business these days. Especially in today's economy, anyone with a job should be glad to have it.

Besides having a job, this guy really looks like he lives on his mother's apron strings and needs to learn some good work ethic. Whatever happened to being proud of you're job?! The kid that was crying to me the other day started fussing about such-and-such "laws" and how there is a "minimum wage" and some other nonsense. I'm really thinking about firing him because he had the audacity to interrupt my well deserved lunch hour, but it would be a shame to lose the vending revenue (he seems to really like eating lunch from our vending machines). I didn't really pay attention to him because he said something about restaurants and that just got me thinking about lunch again. I had to remind him that he is not being paid for his lunch and that should make up for a lot (that he even gets a lunch). I really don't know what he was upset about, but you should take a few pointers from this story about how much you should value your job.

-Doktor Worst

Doktor,

I was adopted as a young child, but I was young enough that I don't remember my biological parents. For some reason my adoptive parents chose to keep my last name from my birth, which is Johnson. I know it is English, but do you know anymore about my last name?

Thank you,

-Emilie

A:

Emilie,

Your adoptive parents are liars and you should not trust them ever again.

But that is a whole other subject. You have a very good handle on the basis of your name in that you are completely and hopelessly wrong regarding anything about it.

The name Johnson is actually a very old South American name that only closely resembles the common Germanic Johansson. The name hails from the Aztecs and tends to mean "she who is being raised to be consumed by one or more god(s)", although the alternate accepted meaning is "she who will be given to many at once". The fact that you actually believed that it had roots in English sources is laughable, but then again your obvious ancestors tried to fight the Spanish and their guns with hand-thrown spears.

I hope you get to enjoy your inevitable sacrifice,

-Doktor Worst

Dok,

I stopped dreaming when I was a young child. My mom always says that I don't need to remember back then and quickly changes the subject when I ask her about anything that happened when I was young. I just started dreaming again recently, but all I ever dream about is horses. Specifically I dream about stallions. Sometimes they are angry and coming after me and sometimes I am just in the middle of a herd of stallions. It is always about these beasts. I am not one of those people who has had a particular interest in horses or anything, so i don't get it. I thought dreams were supposed to be varied and relating to you, but I don't see how I am dreaming about something I have no interest in night after night. What do these dreams mean?

-Merissa in Ohio

A:

Merissa,

It is simple. Your dreams mean that you like horses. Whether you think so or not, you want to ride a horse. That's all this could mean.

OR, it could mean that you met an Italian guy that you should become closer friends with, since it was specifically stallions.

When you boil it all down, you just have weird dreams. You are probably a little mentally unstable and should be sent to an institution.

Enjoy the new coat,

-Doktor Worst

Doktor Worst,

I recently saw PROOF that time travelers do (or at least WILL) exist on YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6a4T2tJaSU&feature=related). Can I time travel now?

-Marty McFly

A:

Marty,

It is common knowledge that Charlie Chaplin was so much more than a great film personality. He was also well known to be psychic and a prankster. It is easy to figure out that Chaplin had set this up as a huge, overarching prank that only culminates well after his death so that he cannot be consulted on it. Why else would he have put in a 5 second clip where two people walk across the camera and absolutely nothing interesting or notable happens? It is obvious this was set up with modern audiences in mind. Only Charlie Chaplin could have looked into the future and known about the iPhone.

But while this particular clip is an obvious and blaring fake, you can still time travel. You must have some Rohypnol, but since that is easy to come by, you should have no problem traveling painlessly! Just take the Rohypnol, then wake up several hours into the future. You may have done some things, but you will have no experience of doing it. That is time travel.

Enjoy your time traveling!

-Doktor Worst

Doktor Worst,

My teenage granddaughter is going trick-or-treating this year and it has looked so much fun in years past. I was never able to go trick-or-treating when I was a child and I would like to see what it is like. Should I go trick-or-treating with my granddaughter? She hasn't asked me to go, but I sure would like to.

-Dorothy from Kansas

A:

Dorothy,

Unfortunately, I am unable to answer this question. Why? Because today marks a most glorious day in the observation of Independence Day (in Turkmenistan).

You see, on this day in history, Turkmenistan was freed of the oppressive yolk of the Soviet Union.

I know that you value my opinion on your issue, so I guarantee that I will address your problem, whatever it is, tomorrow. As for today, I must not touch technology so that I can show proper reverence for the sovereign nation of whatever country I mentioned earlier.

Enjoy your Turkmenstireshireton Independence Day!

-Doktor Worst

(from Yahoo! Answers)

i dye my puppy pink every month using VEGAN STAIN with no chemicals. someone threatened to call the cops...?

(From Ann Landers advice column)

Dear Ann Landers: I am a neighbor who is aware of the following situation: A 12-year-old seventh-grade girl has started to enjoy the attention of a boy in her class. At first, they had hour-long talks on the phone. After a few weeks, her parents began to treat him as if he were one of her girlfriends. He is invited to spend Friday or Saturday night with them. The bedroom he stays in is next to hers. Her parents' bedroom is on the other side of the house.

Her parents did not know this boy or his family until this relationship started a few weeks ago. Any advice? — Concerned Friend, No City, No State

A1:

(From Ann Landers)

The advice is for you: MYOB.

A:

Concerned Friend,

Look, I don't know why Ann Landers thinks she is so high and mighty. Those kids should be helped! Being forced to sleep in separate rooms?! How outrageous! These are healthy young people who should have their privacy and know what to do with it (thanks to our wonderful public schools). You should be calling the police or the Children and Family Services for such an appalling breach of these minors' privacy. This is the time that young people are discovering their bodies and they need a good friend to do it with.

In fact, if you know of a few other girls of that age in the neighborhood, you should set it up to where they can spend the night there as well.

Enjoy your weekends,

-Doktor Worst